The Slammy Awards (RAW REVIEW)
So this week’s edition of Raw is the annual WWE tradition of the Slammy Awards; the wrestling version of the Golden Globes. They’re trashy, easily bought (from the WWE Shop, no less), and worth about the same as the Million Dollar Championship. So, it’s apt that the WWE would have Seth Green host this magical evening of “audience determined” awards. Let’s dive into the blood pool.
Before Raw kicked off, there was a pre-show which dealt out a bunch of these Slammy Awards: the only ones of note being NXT Superstar of the Year (rightly given to Sami Zayn), Tag Team of the Year (picked up by The Usos), and Breakout Star of the Year (awarded to Dean Ambrose). Rollins picked up two Slammy Awards, as did The Rock. Let’s have that sit for a moment, shall we?
More meaningless awards are given out, before we finally move onto the main show. Raw starts off with a video package for the Awards, and they hype up John Cena vs Big Show, as the “blockbuster” main event. If only these two would square-off as often Blockbuster opens a new store in the year 2015. Jerry Lawler brings out Seth Green, who makes a point to let us know that these awards aren’t rigged like every other awards show, and are instead decided through votes via the WWE App. Sure, these awards can’t possibly be rigged, right?
Miz and Mizdow eventually show up and Green puts over Mizdow to the cheering crowd. Voting opens for the “This is Awesome” Slammy. With that, we have our opening contest;
Dolph Ziggler vs Seth Rollins
Some good back and forth with a few 2-counts. The Stooges end up interfering, allowing Rollins to hit a Curb Stomp for the win.
Winner: Seth Rollins
After the match it’s revealed that Sting picks up the win for “This is Awesome” Moment of the Year, for his appearance at Survivor Series. Awesome isn’t one of my choice words for it, but whatever. Sting obviously couldn’t be there to accept the award because his contract wouldn’t allow it. I mean, because he’s busy… doing something. Rollins takes the award instead. Get used to this happening.
Stardust vs Kofi Kingston
As a fan of The New Day and The Dust Brothers, I’m happy that these two are in a program right now. Some good high spots from Kingston, and ground work from Stardust. Kofi hits the Boom Drop, Trouble in Paradise and a splash for the win. As much as I like Kingston’s move set, I was expecting a new finisher or signature, at the very least. What with the new day dawning, and all. But if there’s the reason of “consistency”, I won’t complain.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Next up on the agenda is the “Surprise Return of the Year” Award. Of course they had to bring back John Lauranitis out of his moist cave, for the hundredth time in recent memory. This guy fades in and out of the scene too much for me to even care when he shows up. I just hope he eventually finds a cure for his voice problem. His name-dropping of “People Power” makes me realize that, whilst The Authority was God-awful, there have been worse times. The Ultimate Warrior picks up the win for Surprise Return. Posthumously, of course.
We cut to a backstage segment with Paul Heyman and Seth Rollins. Not a bad segment, and it sets up for the TLC match with Cena nicely. Rollins and Heyman do their usual garb of “I’m the future, I’ll probably cash in soon…” and “Cena sucks, doesn’t he?”, respectively. Interesting to see what is being developed here.
Now we move on to a fresh debut on Raw! Charlotte, the NXT Women’s Champion, no less. About time! I’m having some issues with the way that they’re bringing in NXT Talent to Raw lately (as a promotion for the next NXT special event), being that these stars aren’t given a proper debut. They’re instead marked down as developmental talent and nothing more. Not great when people seemingly know nothing of, or look down upon, NXT as a whole. And it’s even worse when the result of the debut match is questionable.
Charlotte vs Natalya
A good match between these two, as expected. These competitors share a history of good matches in the past, so it’s pleasing to see how well they gel in front of a larger audience. Rather, that’s what I would say, if these two had one of their matches from NXT past. Instead, we got a squash match that ended with Natalya picking up the win via a roll up reversed from a Figure-Four attempt.
Winner: Natalya
Bullshit. The way that Charlotte dominated the match, exhibiting talent and charisma you’d expect to see from a Flair family member, you’d also expect a win. But, this just made both competitors look cheap and irrelevant. Why even bother bringing in Charlotte to promote her appearance at R: Evolution by having her lose via roll up to Natalya, of all Divas? It just doesn’t make logical sense.
Speaking of not making logical sense, however, that brings us to the Shocking Moment award being presented by Santino Marella. Sure. Next let’s have Best Actor at the Academy Awards be presented by Tommy Wiseau. Lesnar ending the Streak at WrestleMania XXX takes the win. Heyman comes out and talks his usual talk. I’m good with that.
Following that, we have a Bray Wyatt promo. Some backstory is given to his broken rocking chair; more than what’s been given to some of WWE’s superstars in the past. Wyatt starts a TLC chant until an ambulance appears, from outta nowhere. Dean Ambrose bursts out the back with a neck brace. It makes you think what the Hell kinda relationship WWE has with its ambulance drivers. Ambrose heads to the ring and throws all the chairs and ladders he can at Wyatt. He talks about Wyatt leaving TLC in an ambulance and being eaten alive. Four for you, Ambrose.
Next is Diva of the Year. Lawler gives his predictable creepy passing comment. Votes do declare AJ Lee the winner, for the second year in a row. In her speech she puts over various NXT divas, citing their potential to win the award next year. This either means AJ won’t be around this time next year, or she’ll sink down the roster underneath these new performers we’re expecting from NXT. Either way, I have no problems with this. AJ has done more than enough for the company at this point, and I wouldn’t be mad if she decided to hang up the Converse.
Watch out kids, it’s Cena time. In a backstage interview with Renee Young, he talks about his match with Show, and I find it almost impossible to even slightly care about what he says. From what I understood, he basically shits over Rollins not being able to get a win over him. Cena obviously wiped The Shield from his memory banks.
Erick Rowan vs Luke Harper
We’re finally getting a Christmas treat! Or, so it would seem. These two make their entrances for this non-title match, start brawling, and Harper makes use of a ladder for a DQ.
Winner: Erick Rowan (via DQ)
After this, Rowan uses his new favourite weapon of choice to run Harper out of the arena. I long for the day that the Rubik’s cube is used as a weapon in a match with someone.
Now, a backstage segment to further the storyline between The Usos and Miz/Mizdow. Naomi Uso has talked to The Miz’s agent and is Hollywood bound. Uso doesn’t trust The Miz so he’s going too. Why should I care?
Adam Rose and the Rosebuds (who were, by the way, nominated for Faction of the Year) are out to present the Slammy for LOL Moment of the year. Sadly, the failed launch of the WWE Network in the UK wasn’t nominated. The award is won by Mizdow for being Mizdow. Miz takes all the credit for the award, and I want to punch him in the face more and more as the weeks go by.
Out next is Rusev and Lana, who cut a typical promo before Pagan Min, known in some circles as Jack Swagger, interrupts. Claiming that Rusev broke Zeb Colter’s leg, Swagger makes it his goal to break Rusev’s ankle. Great character development, guys. An interaction unfolds with Swagger getting Rusev in the ankle lock before officials break it up.
Ryback and The Usos vs Kane, Damien Sandow and The Miz
Ellie does have a point. All these matches consist of are separate rivalries which could easily stand ground on their own. As much as I’d love to see Ryback vs Kane again for what feels like the millionth time, this little pouch of ugliness ended with Ryback getting the pin on Miz.
Winners: Ryback and The Usos.
Seth Green celebrates with them for some reason.
Ricky Steamboat is brought out to announce Best Match of the Year. I thought he was cut? Turns out his being there makes about as much sense as the winner of this category: Team Cena vs Team Authority. Sure. Why not. Not my personal pick, if I could decide on one, but I can see their reasoning. Ziggler accepts the award.
AJ Lee vs Summer Rae
A nothing match with AJ picking up a quick win via Black Widow.
Winner: AJ Lee
RVD announces the winner for Most Extreme Moment: Chris Jericho jumping onto Bray Wyatt off a cage. Goes to show how many extreme moments the WWE has each year. Nice to see RVD on my screen, even if he wasn’t flipping shit. Seeing how Jericho couldn’t accept the award, Fandango steals the award, and I rip my hair out with how bad these fucking awards are. He reminds us of his existence, saying how we won’t forget the name of Fandango. Too little, too late, Danny.
Some more nonsense with the Foleys and a backstage interview with Big Show brings us to Superstar of the Year. The nominees are as follows: John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan, and Bray Wyatt. Remember these names. The winner of this award? Roman Reigns. The guy who didn’t win Money in the Bank, face top tier talent at WrestleMania that year, compete in any match of the years, or win a single world title. Not ragging on Reigns, more so ragging on the fact that he won this award. He better make up for it next year. He talks about stepping up when he returns. For the love of God, the amount of hate this guy gets is paramount right now. To this, I ask: would you rather it be Cena?
Now we finally reach the Main Event.
John Cena vs Big Show
Seeing how literally half of Raw’s main events end in DQ, take a wild fucking guess as to how this blockbuster main event between the boy scout and molasses ends. Some non-offense from both ends before Rollins and the Stooges come out to poop on this already pooped party.
Winner: John Cena (via DQ)
After this, every member of the Survivor Series teams runs in. I actually get angry over how they’re relying on these guys to carry Raw every week, both in matches and main event endings. Cena gets put through a table and the villains stand tall. Whatever, I don’t care anymore. It’s tiring to watch the same things happen week in and week out. Why should I invest in anything when it drags out for a feeling of eternity?
All in all, the Slammy Awards this year were, once again, predictable, questionable, and predominantly bland. Let’s hope Brock Lesnar comes to save us next week.
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